Bearface live-blogs Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, movie-film edition
It’s been a while. We’re sorry. (Actually, we’re not that sorry. You’ve probably been getting on with other things. We have.) In fact, it’s been so long since we read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince that we couldn’t really remember it to talk about it. So we decided to do something a little different: live-blog a joint viewing of the film. Warning: it’s very, very long…
Jenny: RIGHT. I have the DVD poised. POISED. 3, 2,1…
Sophie: GOGOGO
Jenny: Paparazzi are brutal.
Sophie: BUT DUMBLEDORE IS HERE. With his withered, fatherly hand.
Jenny: Challenging the viewers to remember the last movie. ‘Like, didn’t someone die?’
As outlined in my post, I love the ‘magic meets Muggle world’ moments, even when they’re grim, so the bridge bit is really good. But I’d have given money for an actual PM scene.
Sophie: Starring actual Tony Blair. Or top Tony impersonator Michael Sheen.
Jenny: Or Michael Sheen.
Sophie: ONE MIND
Jenny: ONE MIND
Actually, pretty terrifying.
Sophie: Genuinely.
Jenny: Fortunately, Harry is here to flirt awkwardly with a much more attractive girl. NO WAY she comes on to him. I love DanRad, and he’s grown into himself well, but NO.
Sophie: SHE LOOKS LIKE A MODEL.
Jenny: She’s about eight feet taller than him.
Sophie: It will remain an eternal mystery.
Jenny: You know Dumbledore turns up at this point on purpose.
Sophie: Ruining Harry’s love life, his secret main objective.
Jenny: He’s watching from afar, and then he’s like ‘LOL come with me, actually no seriously Harry this is important but LOL’.
Sophie: Is this better than what happens in the book? Answer: no.
Jenny: I need that Dursley scene in my life.
Sophie: But this is quicker.
Jenny: Am I wrong, or does Dumbledore never fully explain the hand thing in this film? I will note it for later.
Ooh, nausea-inducing camera angles in Budleigh Babberton.
Sophie: So I am interested for Dumbledore in this film.
Jenny: WANDS OUT, HARRY. LOL
Err, sorry, you were saying?
Sophie: In the OOTP film he is INEXPLICABLY ANGRY much of the time, which is upsetting. Like, just yelling for no reason. Which Dumbledore would never do.
Jenny: I feel like Gambon never fully inhabited Dumbledore, but rather a random Old Dude Mentor Type. He’s good in some bits but others are DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE
Sophie: DIDYOUPUTYOURNAMEINTHEGOBLETOFFIREHARRY
Jenny: Now they’re stalking everywhere…
Sophie: Ooh blood dripping…
Jenny: Quite good with the whimsy in this bit…
And behold, Jim Broadbent the incredible human sofa has arrived!
Sophie: Jim Broadbent is such perfect casting as Slughorn that you don’t even think about it. It’s just like, yeah, of course.
Jenny: He’s much more likeable, I think. A lot of the characters are more grotesque in the books.
This whole putting the room back together is amazing. We don’t get much ‘look at the wonder of magic’ this late on, but it’s really cool when we do.
Sophie: ‘Don’t think I don’t know why you’re here Albus.’ He’s here to use the loo. He’s just said.
Jenny: Harry is so over his mother’s eyes.
Sophie: RACIST. Slughorn, not you.
Jenny: We all have self-examination to do.
This is lifted straight from the book, then.
REGULUS BLACK, just casually dropped in here.
Sophie: Almost like… it’s SIGNIFICANT in some way
Jenny: I bet there is fanfiction about him, and I would like to read it.
Sophie: This is the problem with the pacing. Just bam bam bam…
Jenny: It’s confusing for non-book-readers, but also kind of tediously obvious at time. Plot point plot point…
Sophie: I know, that’s exactly where the films struggle. They feel at once rushed and a little boring.
Jenny: (I keep being distracted by the actual hurricane outside.)
Sophie: Dumbledore being a bit pervy there, for an elderly gay gentleman
Jenny: And then dumping Harry in a swamp, nice.
See, Harry’s trunk and Hedwig having been mysteriously sent to the Burrow already makes Dumbledore seem a bit deep and weird, but it leaves out that lovely detail of Harry not packing in case he doesn’t come.
Sophie: Film!Ginny
Jenny: Oh, Ginny.
Sophie: Oh so much awkward acting in this scene.
Jenny: It’s so ineffable, isn’t it? I really want to be nice about Film!Ginny, but there’s just not much going on with them.
Sophie: All the teens are pretty awkward tbh.
Jenny: ‘Dad stepped in’. As if Molly doesn’t run the household.
As ever, Emma Watson is doing it for me. Not like that. But she’s convincing me that they’re people. I know we differ there.
Sophie: As a human being she seems great, but as an actress I’m afraid she’s never really worked for me.
Jenny: SNAPE
Sophie: SNAPE
Jenny: SEVERUS SNAPE (Dumbledore!)
Sexy villains are sexy. Finally, the adults are here. Excellent casting all round here.
Sophie: Tim Spall gets requisite cameo. Oh yes, the Sisters Black are perfect.
Jenny: Snape has lots of books, which is the first clue that he’s actually Not Totally Evil.
Sophie: Oh, the Malfoys are so interesting
Jenny: Didn’t the actress playing Narcissa go for Bellatrix? I think so. Which is a good example of things working out well.
Sophie: I do know that she is married to world-famous ginger Damien Lewis. In case you’re interested.
Jenny: Ooh, really? I should know that, as we do have a secret spreadsheet. Of All The Gingers.
Sophie: I suspected as much.
This scene is nicely done.
Jenny: The Unbreakable Vow (It’s unbreakable, you know) is worded so carefully so we don’t quite know what the crack is.
Sophie: I remember reading this scene in the book for the first time and genuinely not knowing what to believe about Snape.
Jenny: This is a very quiet film. Does that make sense?
Sophie: Maybe you need to turn your volume up?
Jenny: You are HILARIOUS.
Sophie: UGH Weasley twins. Get out of my life.
Jenny: Ooh. I like the twins in the books. Do you not?
Sophie: In the books, of course, but here they are like the epitome of awkward.
Jenny: Yeah. Bless them. Finding ginger twins who can act is a tall order
Sophie: Oh they make me cringe.
Jenny: They’re not really acting, mostly. Just saying lines.
Sophie: But were they the ONLY set of ginger twins in the whole of the United Kingdom?
Jenny: Possible.
Sophie: I mean, did they poison all the others? Did Damien Lewis help them?
Jenny: We are constantly under threat.
Sophie: Did you help them?
Jenny: I cannot reveal any secrets I may or may not share with the Ginger clan.
Sophie: I like Narcissa’s teeny tiny hat.
Jenny: You know, Tom Felton kills it in parts of this film. I buy Draco’s inner conflict.
Sophie: Yeah that boy can act.
You know what, I have literally no memory of this film.
Jenny: As you know, I did a full rewatch quite recently, so this is quite fresh.
I also fully understand the whole Harry/Draco thing. I don’t subscribe, but I understand.
Sophie: You mean the Harry SLASH Draco thing?
Jenny: I DO. There’s a lot of tension. Meaningful looks. Stalking.
Sophie: I am disturbed by so much of what goes on in the world of fanfiction.
Jenny: I think fanfiction is a wonderful world which I am wholly unsuited for.
Sophie: I’m kind of vaguely aware of it, and usually disturbed.
Jenny: Fabulous that people enjoy these worlds so much, and I’m sure there’s lots of good writing – really good that young people, in particular, can try out things in the confines of an extant world.
There’s a really good essay about it that I read recently, which I will link somewhere, about how criticism of fanfiction (much like that of romance) is often gendered. (It was here [the rest of the blog is excellent too], and also contains some criticism of The Bearface’s nemesis.)
Sophie: LUNA IS HERE. I love Luna.
Jenny: ‘It’s a creepy shop. He’s a creepy bloke.’ Ron, cutting to the heart of the issue as ever.
Sophie: Can we talk about Draco’s outfit here? It is, as the kids say, on fleek.
Jenny: Yes, Draco is like Creepy Bond here. …not sure how that’s different from actual Bond, come to think of it.
Sophie: Is Tonks even in this film? I don’t remember.
Jenny: Draco would absolutely steal the Cloak here, I think. Makes no sense that he just covers Harry with it, like, oh here’s this incredibly rare and valuable thing, give it back to Potter.
Sophie: I like his snazzy briefcase.
Jenny: Like, maybe, Draco, that’s how Harry has been foiling your plans for the last five years? And maybe the Dark Lord would be interested in its existence?
Sophie: He’s just got more important stuff to think about. Like high fashion.
WHERE IS TONKS?
Jenny: 😦 There’s that hilarious (awful) summary at the beginning of the next film. HEY HARRY WE GOT MARRIED ok bye we die soon.
Sophie: Oh yeah that is awful! I love Luna (and to my mind she is the most perfectly cast of the younger characters)
Jenny: She’s so wonderful.
Sophie: But the people want Tonks.
Jenny: I love her casting story too.
Sophie: This is why I am so baffled when people say they’ve seen the HP films but haven’t read the books. I’m like, what did you think was going on?
Jenny: YES. The third film in particular makes NO SENSE.
Sophie: What’s the casting story?
Jenny: Hang on, I’ll find it.
Sophie: I love Natalia Tena generally, she is badass.
Jenny: Wildling ❤
Sophie: And her surname is an incontinence pad.
Jenny: Oh, lol. ‘Why is he always covered in blood?’ Good line, delivered poorly.
Sophie: Nice bit of Tom Riddle recappage by Dumbledore there, reminding us that he was once at Hogwarts.
Jenny: Pip pip. Yes, not bad summarising there.
Sophie: That is a nice bit of screenwriting. ‘Their greatest weapon is you.’
Jenny: OK, I can’t find the Luna interview but her story is here: http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Evanna_Lynch
Sophie: Look at Harry and Ron being corridor jerks. Ooh yeah I remember. She was a superfan, which is so adorable.
Jenny: She was anorexic, hospitalised, wrote to JKR, inspired to audition for Luna because JKR said she could, got the part.
Sophie: Oh wow! I did not know those details.
Jenny: That corridor bit. MCGONAGALL.
Sophie: HBP isn’t the most filmic book, is it? The centrepiece of the story is an annotated textbook. Triwizard tournament it ain’t.
Jenny: That’s why it feels a bit Teen Angst at times. I do like this movie on balance, though, but I also like the book, so I don’t know if that’s universal. I think reviews suggested it was quite slow, at the time.
Love potions = creepy, by the way.
Sophie: I am and always have been totally unable to enjoy the films as something separate from the books. Largely I find them irritating, with moments of brilliance, which are in themselves irritating, because they are surrounded by all the irritating stuff.
Jenny: They are definitely more irritating than other adaptations.
Sophie: SNAPE HANDWRITING.
Jenny: I think we’ve talked about the whole thing where these are not really made by fans.
Sophie: There’s something about the screenwriting and the direction which is so annoying to me.
Jenny: Lots of comedy montages, like this one. Seamus blowing things up.
Sophie: It sets off my very finely-attuned awkwardness sensors. Like, awkward in a bad way.
Jenny: Yes. And all these Fine British Actors hamming it up.
Sophie: In a ‘teenagers don’t actually act like this’ way
Jenny: Lots of them seem to be in an entirely different film. They’re at their best when shit gets real, I think, and the teenager thing becomes irrelevant.
Sophie: Except for the possession moment in OOTP, which we have previously discussed as the purest essence of unintentional hilarity.
Jenny: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC
Sophie: HUGS ARE MAGIC
Jenny: Again, Dumbledore getting the gossip. I love the idea of him caring about who is dating who.
Sophie: Dumbledore would DEFINITELY know that Harry and Hermione were not a thing though. He is so good at reading people. The films were so desperate to push Harry and Hermione together.
Jenny: I am resolute that they would not have worked
Sophie: I feel like the screenwriter is basically in love with Hermione, at the expense of Ron.
Ooh, creepy flashback time.
Jenny: I know many think she would never go for Ron, but I am certain as can be that H/H would never happen. Even in the face of JKR saying it could have.
I also agree with you. Ron gets all his lines stolen, and is less useful, and generally comic relief.
Sophie: Even to the point where he is placed in the background of a lot of shots, with Harry and Hermione in the foreground.
Jenny: This Voldemort kid is SUPER CREEPY. Children are terrifying.
Moment of silence for Hot Tom Riddle from The Chamber of Secrets.
Sophie: This kid is so good
Jenny: You know whose son he is?
Sophie: Yours?
Jenny: Nah, all my babies are ginger. He is the son of Stannis. In real life, I mean.
Sophie: AH NO WAY. I love, love Stephen Dillane. The man is brilliant.
Jenny: Me too.
Sophie: And he doesn’t get the chance to do enough in GoT really
Jenny: Agreed. Creepy and grim and dour and hilarious.
Sophie: He’s such a chameleon.
Jenny: His grammar sniping is amazing. I hated Book Stannis, but loved TV Stannis. (We should talk about GoT at some point.)
Sophie: Ooh I like the Pensieve effects here.
Jenny: They’ve got something of the (amazing) tale of three brothers sequence.
Sophie: Yes, which for my money is the best and most purely creative moment in the whole film series.
Jenny: I feel it’s never really explained that the Death Eaters can apparently fly. Like, we know Voldy can in the books, but it seems like they’ve just decided it’s creepy if they can fly, to make the duel scenes more dramatic. Which, yeah, it works, but does not make sense.
Sophie: HBP turns around such subtle things, doesn’t it? Like Harry allowing Slughorn to ‘collect’ him. It’s really not the kind of drama that multimillion dollar international blockbusters are built around.
Maybe that’s why the films never quite work for me.
Jenny: Ooh, Draco, brooding. He makes a lot of his scenes, I think.
Oh, Draco.
Because the bits you like aren’t visual?
Sophie: The nature of the vehicle and the nature of the material are mismatched on some fundamental level.
Ugh, Quidditch. Fierce Ginny can stay, though.
Jenny: Ron even has to wear a stupid hat here, just to cement his role.
Sophie: …as gurning comic relief.
Jenny: Look at McLaggen’s massive broom. What a douchebag.
I love this music. The music generally is wonderful.
Sophie: Quidditch though. Ugh. HA. BROOMSTICK.
Jenny: I am here for all phallic humour.
Sophie: I think you are slightly ahead of me. In the film, not in the phallic humour department.
Brief interlude of messing with our DVD players.
Jenny: Hermione’s wandless magic on point.
Sophie: Yup. I can just never buy that film Hermione is into Ron. I know I have gone on about this before.
Jenny: Lavender drives me nuts. I wish she didn’t, because I worry about my internalised misogyny, but UGH.
Sophie: Um I think you might be behind me now. In the film, not in the internalised misogyny department.
Jenny: I fully buy it in the books, because I am a sap. (I’m just typing slowly.) But less so in the films.
The massive nerd in me is SO into the idea of mysterious books with arcane notes. It’s a thing I adore. Any book with mysterious tomes within the story.
Sophie: Nice cut there from the book symbols to the snowy landscape.
Jenny: Ron’s HAT though. There’s lots of nice cutting going on.
Sophie: Dean Thomas is so hot these days, btw. Just as an aside.
Jenny: Absolutely. He Longbottomed well.
Sophie: He was in Sherlock, also Coriolanus. ‘To Longbottom’ is definitely now a verb.
Jenny: Oh god, this scene is fully terrifying.
Sophie: Gosh yes, this is a full-on nightmare fuel.
Jenny: This is what I mean about quiet. It’s a super dramatic moment but not overplayed.
Sophie: Yes, agreed.
Jenny: Hagrid is unusually on it, here.
Sophie: So basically we are agreed that these films are at their best when not attempting to be a) funny or b) emotional.
Jenny: Yep. Scary and grim.
Sophie: And creepy.
Jenny: OH but there are some moments. Resurrection Stone. Snape montage. McGonagall rousing the statues.
Sophie: Again, have no memory of that film.
Jenny: Look at McGonagall’s clothes.
Sophie: Fine, fine delivery from Rickman. But we would expect no less.
Jenny: OB………….viously.
I love the Rickman. *rubs thighs*
Sophie: Mcgonagall’s clothes are quite literally on point. In that they have points. On the shoulders.
Jenny: Nothing gets past you. Such good casting.
Sophie: I think Ron fancies Dean. Is this subtext of this scene.
Jenny: URGH this ‘nice skin’ thing.
Sophie: CREEPY. LIKE HE WANTS TO SKIN HER. AND MAKE A BAG OUT OF HER SKIN.
Jenny: VERY NICE SKIN. This is not how teenage boys talk about girls. Source: teacher.
Sophie: THE FEMALES HAVE GOOD EXTERIORS.
Jenny: I just want the profiteroles in this scene.
Sophie: This dessert at Slughorn’s party looks amazing.
ONE MIND
Jenny: ONE MIND. Ooh, creepy twins.
Sophie: Love a good pair of creepy twins.
Jenny: Uncanny valley. What is Harry wearing?
Sophie: Is this the bit with Ginny and the weird lip gloss? I’m sure I remember there is a scene where she is wearing too much lip gloss and it looks like her nose has run.
Jenny: URGH MCLAGGEN. Stop licking your fingers at Hermione.
I swear if you Google this scene, it autofills ‘dessert’
Sophie: Ugh. McLaggen is going on the list. For reference. When the revolution comes.
Jenny: In my head, Harry is still wearing Dudley’s cast-offs, which explains his MASSIVE BLAZERS.
Sophie: YES.
Jenny: His clothes all look like things bought to grow into, but I think it’s bad wardrobe rather than continuity.
Sophie: I’m sure I remember reading somewhere that they deliberately tried to make the clothes ‘timeless’. i.e not putting the kids in fashionable stuff so the films wouldn’t age so fast. But it just means they all look dowdy and odd. Like, I can see where they’re coming from.
Jenny: That’s interesting. Apart from the odd item, like hoodies, they could easily be the Famous Five.
Sophie: By ‘Dessert’, Hermione means Ginny
Jenny: They all just look about 67.
LUNA.
Sophie: LION HAT
Jenny: Luna’s lion hat is life. I love how she just appears at the table. Literally like magic.
Sophie: Luna is magical.
Jenny: Quidditch. Having fun, Sophie?
Sophie: What is with Harry’s neckline in that scene? Um yes so much fun. You know how I love the Quidditch. All the Quidditch. All the time.
Jenny: The music is really good again, though. Missed trick: Weasley is our king.
Sophie: My favourite musical cue in the series is that recurring one in POA
Jenny: Ooh, which one?
Sophie: Which comes up when Harry’s talking to Lupin or Sirius
Jenny: I can’t hear it in my mind’s ear.
Sophie: I think it’s called ‘Shadow of the past’? Something of the past?
Jenny: Do you, by any chance, own the soundtrack?
Sophie: That’s the only film in the series I had the soundtrack for,
Jenny: Haha. I am not judging. I have all the LOTR soundtracks.
Sophie: LOTR music is beyond awesome.
Jenny: It’s so brilliant. I feel like it’s the music in my soul.
Sophie: Hermione plus sad birds.
Jenny: I can’t decide if this is great, or Too Much Angst.
Sophie: Too much angst.
Jenny: My inner goth is enjoying this. I too would like to brood on medieval architecture with my magic wand.
Sophie: Because I don’t find it remotely credible that she is into Ron. Or that Harry is into Ginny. In this version of the story.
Jenny: Is that different to your views on the books?
Sophie: Yeah. Ron is braver and more genuinely funny in the books.
Jenny: Lovely tracking shot here. Draco. Moody Draco.
Sophie: Ginny is more badass. Also Hermione is more of a genuine nerd.
Jenny: Speaking of which, I don’t think we’ve seen trousers as school uniform before.
Sophie: Ugh school uniform trousers. I remember those.
Jenny: I like this scene. ‘I AM the chosen one’. WHACK.
Sophie: Yeah that is a nice moment
Jenny: LUNA AND HER DRESS
Sophie: I LOVE HER. Have I mentioned that I love her?
Jenny: Draco again. I love how he’s just always brooding in the corners of shots. He hasn’t had a line since the train.
Sophie: I agree with JKR that it is kind of wrong to fancy him. But I can see why people fancy him.
Jenny: Agreed. I don’t, but I understand.
Sophie: I’m not saying I do.
Jenny: Like Dudley, his future interests me. They both won’t be fully redeemed, but change will come slowly to them.
Sophie: Yes, Dudley’s future is definitely interesting
Jenny: I like the theory that his kid will get a Hogwarts letter and he’s like NOOOOOO.
Sophie: I love JKR saying that Harry and Dudley occasionally meet up as adults.
Jenny: YES
Sophie: So their kids can get to know each other.
Jenny: Awkward Christmasses and such.
Sophie: I think that’s wonderful.
Jenny: URGH MCLAGGEN.
Sophie: Emma Watson is good in that scene.
Jenny: Literally sexually assaulting Hermione.
Sophie: Oh he is so gross.
Jenny: NOT … so quick, Potter.
I fancy Rickman so hard.
Sophie: Who do you think Snape brought to the party?
Jenny: ‘Travelling where?’ Snape just walks away.
Snape goes stag.
GET IT? GET IT?
Sophie: AHAHA. Um, yes.
Jenny: It’s a doe, but you know.
Sophie: Doesn’t quite work, but sure.
Ooh, Gloucester Cathedral. This is my home turf.
Jenny: Ooh, is it?
Sophie: I’ve slept in that corridor.
Jenny: IS THE UNBREAKABLE VOW UNBREAKABLE BY ANY CHANCE RON?
The word ‘snog’ takes me back to about 1997.
Sophie: Ooh, tell me what happened in 1997?
Jenny: …we said the word snog a lot?
Sophie: Ah.
Jenny: At nine, I suspect that’s all we were doing.
Sophie: I forgot we were nine.
Hey, Lupin is in this scene!
Jenny: TONKS and her hair.
Oh honey, no.
Sophie: For at least ten seconds! She has a line!
Jenny: What on earth is with her head?
Oh dear. Mince pies are not seductive food.
Sophie: Uuuuuuugh. Ginny is feeding Harry a mince pie. Oh dear goodness. Their lack of chemistry is somewhat painful. But maybe also somewhat inevitable, given that she was cast when she was about eight.
Jenny: Rupert Grint is wasted, though. I mean on the cut-down role of Ron, rather than being hammered.
Sophie: I was gonna ask.
Jenny: Perils of child actors. (As an aside, I love Mr Weasley’s shed)
Sophie: She’s not a terrible actress or anything, just wrong for the Ginny of the later books. (Arthur Weasley and his man cave.)
Jenny: They cast a perfectly sweet little girl, and had no way to predict she wouldn’t be feisty enough.
Urgh, I said feisty.
Sophie: Ugh, feisty.
Oh my gosh Tonks got another line.
Jenny: I do like, in the later books, the tension among members of the Order and how much they’re prepared to share with Harry – it makes perfect sense that Molly would be more protective, and, while I don’t like the ‘women are nurturing’ thing, I do like that they don’t all agree.
Sophie: THIS IS THE WORST HARRY GINNY MOMENT EVER
Jenny: HIS SHOELACES
GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES BEFORE YOUR MAN
Sophie: AND TIE HIS DAMN SHOELACES
Jenny: Yes, not anything else *sideways glance*
Sophie: Wtf is going on here? Why is there a fireball? This is off-piste. I do not remember this. Why is Harry lost in a field?
Jenny: Do you think they had to have some kind of direct Death Eater conflict earlier to appease the producers or something? As we said before, it’s a quiet movie otherwise. This bit reminds me of Signs, that dodgy Shyamalan movie.
Sophie: ‘I think what the audience really wants to see is Harry lost in a field.’
‘And Ginny in her dressing gown being chased by a werewolf.’
‘Yuh?’
Jenny: It’s out of a totally different movie.
Sophie: Where are all the others at this point?
Jenny: More screentime for the badguys, I guess
Sophie: Like, how big is this field?
Oh, there’s Tonks and her hair
Jenny: RUNNING. JUST RUNNING.
Sophie: Tonks’s hair has special powers. Ooh it actually does though.
Jenny: The wand holding stance is brilliant. ‘Try to look cool and menacing while holding a twig.’
Sophie: That’s how they audition them. It’s the only skill required
Jenny: Like with Ewan Macgregor and his lightsaber. That’s not a euphemism, but we’ve all seen Trainspotting.
Sophie: Did they just burn the freaking BURROW? What is this??
Jenny: I know, right?
Sophie: Madness.
Jenny: Increasing the threat level or something. It’s ridiculous.
Sophie: I had totally forgotten about the field-running, burrow-burning interval. This is a weird film, isn’t it?
Jenny: Super weird. I think I said in my post that I actually like that the threat is at a distance in this book, so it wildly annoys me. As we said before, I have no idea how you would know what’s going on watching it if you’ve not read the books.
Sophie: Creepy Tom is back.
What is the symbolic significance of pineapple? Just curious.
Jenny: I could do you a whole essay on this.
Sophie: It can be your next blog post. Why is Slughorn drawn to the pineapple? What might it tell us about his motives?
‘Confused? I’d be surprised if you weren’t.’ Dumbledore sums up the viewing experience of this film
Jenny: Crystallised pineapple, rather than ginger – it’s overly sweet and not challenging to the palate. Represents Slughorn’s fears and unwillingness to commit to action – just like he doesn’t challenge his tastebuds, he won’t risk himself physically even to save life.
(you KNEW I was typing right then, I bet)
Sophie: OOOOOH. You’re a genius. This is important scholarly work.
Jenny: English teacher. It’s like my superpower.
OH HARRY. Bad strategy (persuading Slughorn to give up the goods). He uses pretty much the exact words, as though Slughorn isn’t haunted by this memory.
Sophie: BURN. ‘Is that what you told Tom Riddle, sir?’ Way to make him angry, Harry.
Jenny: This is all happening super quickly. Slughorn stalking montage. Ron is stoned.
Sophie: I heard an interesting review of the latest Hunger Games film which talked about how it feels rushed and draggy all at once. Which I think fits the HP films rather well.
Jenny: Yes, completely.
Sophie: Clearly one of the perils of adapting a series. The pacing just doesn’t fit the big screen.
Jenny: And perhaps choosing to keep in some of the trivial moments, because character, but rushing the payoffs.
Sophie: Yes, and weird swings in tone which lead to awkwardness.
Jenny: I love Grint’s face here, bless him. Also his slippers.
I tried to find the actual face I meant, but got this alarming example instead.
Sophie: These kind of adaptations at their best hint at depths without really needing to show them, which is what the LOTR films do so well
Jenny: Absolutely.
Sophie: Just gonna make myself a cuppa. Want one?
Jenny: Always. How Snape feels for Lily, I feel for tea.
Sophie: Back, avec bourbons.
Jenny: Ron is snuggling with Slughorn. Now he’s fallen over. Ron is in peril! Quick, Skippy!
Sophie: ‘What’s that? Ron’s fallen down the well?’
Jenny: When I was reading the book, I noticed how this is not subtly foreshadowed. We get a bezoar reminder about five pages before it happens. As though the fans didn’t remember.
Sophie: Well, Slughorn was fricking useless there. Needs to do a first aid refresher.
Jenny: Lol girls gonna kill me, lol, WOMEN, RIGHT?
Sophie: Lol WOMEN. WIMMINS.
Jenny: Oh, I am so poised for this bit. Alan Rickman is so hot and I have no shame.
Sophie: I think you and half the internet.
Jenny: Right, I love watching all the grownups in this breakup scene. You know they’ll be gossiping later.
‘No, Albus – I heard Weasley is dating Granger…’
Sophie: Snape especially.
Jenny: The girl playing Lavender is pretty hilarious, though
Sophie: Yeah she’s good.
Jenny: Slughorn is so genuinely interested.
Sophie: Now that was a very Dumbledore comment. “Oh to be young, and to feel love’s keen sting.”
Jenny: Absolutely. And Ginny’s comment was delivered… flatly.
Sophie: Such an awkward bit of staging that the adults were still there! Like, why do that scene that way?!
Jenny: Yes! I wonder why?
Sophie: We shall never know. Ooh, Harry’s stalking Malfoy again.
Jenny: Much better if Dumbledore had ushered them discreetly away, perhaps with a wink at Harry.
Sophie: …and setting those fanfic hearts aflutter.
Jenny: Including mine.
Sophie: NOT HARRY WINKING AT DUMBLEDORE
Jenny: The bird in the Vanishing Cabinet is a lovely touch.
ahahaha!
Sophie: THAT WOULD BE WEIRD
Jenny: Although you know it’s out there.
Sophie: I’d rather not think about it.
Birds always suffer in films, don’t they?
Jenny: I read something the other day complaining about how JKR said that Dumbledore is gay. I was like, firstly, have you even read about Grindelwald? Secondly, oh, what, it’s surprising that like one character in a literal cast of thousands is MAYBE GAY OFF PAGE? They were honestly pissed at her ‘liberal agenda’. And I was like, babe, if you think this is radical…
Sophie: JKR can take it, she’s badass
Jenny: Totally. If I ever met her, I would expire.
Sophie: The thing is, right, I know that I’m gonna meet her, and we’re gonna be besties. She just doesn’t know it yet.
Jenny: It bothers me that Katie looks really different in this scene to how she looks in the floating scene.
Sophie: Hairstyles, babe.
Jenny: And yes, you and I and JKR are going to hang out and talk magic and write novels together.
Sophie: It’s going to be so beautiful.
Jenny: I am easily fooled by a haircut.
THIS SCENE. Excellent work.
Sophie: Right, now for the scene that launched a thousand fanfics.
Jenny: I love how it’s clear they really mean it.
Sophie: And it’s genuinely quite shocking and horrible. Which it is in the book, too.
Jenny: The blood in the water. Aaargh.
Sophie: Was Snape on toilet duty or something?
Jenny: And Harry even says to himself at some point in the book that he wishes he’d learned basic healing spells, and why hasn’t he?
Sophie: Because he’s a bounder and a fool, Jenny. Too busy admiring Ginny’s skin.
Jenny: When I was rewatching with other friends (I know, horror) we talked a lot about how Harry pretty much never learns spells in the films. Like, you could believe he doesn’t know anything other than Expelliarmus, Expecto patronum and Lumos for pretty much seven years.
Sophie: Well, he’s busy doing other things.
Jenny: Even their voices are off in this scene (Ginny and Harry, having a moment in the Room of Lost Things).
Sophie: THE BIRD IS ALIVE
Jenny: Like children in a horror film.
Sophie: You know, I think Bonnie Wright would be really good in a low-key, naturalistic indie film. Playing a quiet, pensive character
Jenny: Yes! I think we should be clear that we’re not directly criticising her acting or anything, just how she and DanRad interact.
Sophie: There’s so much awkward in these films generally it’s very hard to blame the actors.
Jenny: Actually, the scene ends really weirdly. It’s almost like he imagined Ginny, but then Ron confirms she was there.
Sophie: Hey maybe he’s been imagining Ginny the whole time #Theory
Jenny: Imaginny.
Sophie: Oh this is great. The whole Felix Felicis section is one of my favourite bits of HBP.
Jenny: I love the Felix section.
Sophie: ONE MIND
Jenny: ONE MIND
DanRad is pretty funny in this too.
Sophie: DRad is actually properly funny
OH MY GOSH
Jenny: He’s got lots of comic timing.
Sophie: WE NEED TO STOP DOING THIS
Jenny: hahahaha!
He’s playing it drunk. HARRY! SIR!
Sophie: (Which sadly, by DRad’s own admission, he possibly was)
Jenny: Oh yeah, I’d forgotten about that. He’s remarkably well-adjusted these days. But it’s got to take its toll.
Sophie: They all are. It warms my heart.
Jenny: They all seem lovely. I love the bromance between Felton and Grint
Harry and the pincers. So hilarious.
Sophie: ‘Not to mention the pincers’
Jenny: ONE MIND
Sophie: Why can’t Harry be like this all the time? I would watch 8 films of that.
Jenny: It’s the fun that’s missing from lots of the films and parts of the books.
Sophie: Yes.
Jenny: It should be dark and then fun, rather than flat throughout. If that makes sense. This Aragog funeral scene wins. Lovely music.
Sophie: In both book and film.
Jenny: Totally. I want to hear the rest of the drunken song.
Sophie: You know Coltrane and Broadbent are having a ball.
Jenny: ‘I once had a fish.’ ‘Poof.’ Harry just giggling in the corner. Off his tits. Great interpretation of the thing, DanRad.
Sophie: I want some Felix Felicis.
Jenny: Same.
Sophie: Let’s brew some up.
Jenny: I’d use it for entirely morally righteous purposes. Wandering by JKR’s house and relying on luck to make her pop out for the post and decide we should be mates.
Sophie: BTW I am hard-hearted but I think this flower petal fish Lily speech is stupid. Like, what a random moment to make something up.
Jenny: I also am dead inside and don’t like it
Sophie: What’s wrong with what was in the book? It just feels like bad fanfiction, which is what the films feel like at their worst.
Jenny: All of the made-up bits do, alas. And as you say, others have pulled it off.
Sophie: ‘OTHERWISE THE BOWL WILL REMAIN EMPTY.’ The metaphorical goldfish bowl of courage. Empty forever.
Jenny: Ha! So there’s plenty of invented dialogue in the LOTR films, but they (LOTR) managed to keep a consistent tone through most of it, where Tolkien goes full epic saga, and it’s a good example of diverging from the books actually working, because modern audiences are not into Lo and Forsooth. Whereas this is all over the shop.
Sophie: There are definitely many blog posts to be written about how LOTR films succeeded where the HP ones, arguably, failed.
Jenny: And I should focus on what’s onscreen right now. Creepy Tom!
Sophie: Whether LOTR was inherently more suited for adaptation or whether they just approached it better. But yes, anyway.
Jenny: I’d say LOTR is less filmable, but you’re right, that’s another post
Creepy Tom is super convincing. Turning on the charm when he has to.
Sophie: ‘The most commonplace of objects’ – only surely the whole point is that it wouldn’t be?
Jenny: EXACTLY. Throw something in the sea. DESTROY THAT, POTTER.
Sophie: GET IN THE SEA.
Jenny: Ooh, amazing scene with Snape. That little glimpse of how Dumbledore pushes him.
Sophie: That is a way better idea for how to do Horcruxes. LOB IT IN THE SEA. PUT YOUR SOUL IN A CRAB AND LOB IT IN THE SEA.
Jenny: MY HORCRUXES ARE CAVIAR. SCATTERED LIKE TINY PEARLS.
Sophie: MINE’S A FREAKING WHALE SHARK. DESTROY THIS HORCRUX, MOTHERFLIPPERS.
Jenny: THROW YOUR GILLYWEED AT THAT, POTTER.
The music is getting very exciting while we waffle. I am obsessed with film music.
Sophie: We are suddenly descending into the climax, which has happened very suddenly, and with about one line of dialogue to explain what Horcruxes are and what they are actually doing.
Jenny: Beautiful shotmaking here.
Sophie: But yes, I like the cave sequence. I remember it being the one part of the film where I genuinely felt like it was as exciting as the book.
Jenny: Voldemort has tons of soul, Harry. That’s why he’s good at the blues. Now, chop chop, off we go.
Sophie: Cave is opening.
Jenny: Lots of hilarious symbolism here. Bubbling water. Harry’s bulging muscles. Weirdly phallic boat.
Sophie: DEAD FACES IN THE WATER
Jenny: DEAD FACES IN THE WATER #gamgee
AAAAAAAAAAAAH
Sophie: *gollum voice*
aaaaaaaargh
Jenny: ONE MIND
ONE SMEAGOL
Sophie: ONE BEARFACE
Jenny: Smeagol is not one mind. I’m being silly to distract myself, because this is legit scary.
Sophie: He is, quite literally, in two of them. This whole sequence is the best bit of the film.
Jenny: Dumbledore figures the whole potion thing out super quickly.
Sophie: Everything in this film happens super quickly.
Jenny: Like ‘We’re at the endgame now, Harry, shut up’. Lovely set design though, and lighting.
Sophie: Creepy lighting. DON’T DRINK IT DUMBLEDORE.
Jenny: These later films are so dark. Like, tonally, but also literally.
Sophie: Not for thuh kids.
Jenny: I had to stop watching at school once because I couldn’t get the classroom dark enough.
Sophie: Oh this bit is so horrible. It’s horrible in the book as well.
Jenny: Gambondore is good in this bit. It’s so brutal.
Sophie: We find out later that Dumbledore was seeing Arianna, right? And Kendra the Slayer Dumbledore.
Jenny: I think that’s never fully made clear in the films, which is to their detriment. I will never believe that name isn’t deliberate, btw. She’s probably not in the films because they couldn’t get Ageless Bianca Lawson to play her in flashback.
But I do think it’s a mistake to leave so much of that out. It’s so crucial to the Hero’s Journey to have the mentor turn out to be fallible (and dead).
And on another note: ZOMBIE TIME
Sophie: Are we zombie-ready? I am never zombie-ready.
Jenny: This is TERRIFYING.
Sophie: I hate zombies in all their forms.
Jenny: At least they’re not as skeletal as I imagined. You know how I feel about skeletons.
Sophie: I can never watch anything with zombies in.
Jenny: Same. So uncanny. Especially when people recognise them.
Sophie: I think zombies are my skeletons.
Oh my gosh people took their kids to see this film. ZOMBIE ARMY.
Jenny: At least you’re unlikely to encounter zombies for real, whereas I have to leave museums for panic attacks.
This is AWFUL. I’m so glad it’s daytime.
Sophie: Sam Gamgee will rescue him any minute.
Jenny: It’s super cribbed from the LOTR films, shot-wise.
Sophie: DON’T FOLLOW THE LIGHTS
Jenny: This is so badass.
Sophie: FIERY DUMBLDORE
Jenny: Unlike Gandalf, Dumbly actually does magic.
Sophie: Do you think Dumbledore would kick Gandalf’s ass?
Jenny: Dunno, Gandalf came back after dying. Dumbly stayed dead. Loser.
*sob*
Err, LOTR spoiler alert. Gandalf is older and literally sent by the gods, so I’m saying he wins.
Sophie: Ah, but death is but the next great adventure.
Jenny: Good decision to show how the Death Eaters get in and have it be no mystery.
Sophie: Meanwhile, in Draco land. Snappy suit. I am so distracted by his outfits in this film. (Draco’s, not Dumbledore’s.)
Jenny: Excellent fashion from the Malfoys generally.
They leave out Dumbledore Body-Binding Harry, right? Because here it makes no sense that he does nothing.
Sophie: I don’t rightly remember.
Jenny: And it misses that heartbreaking moment where Harry knows he’s dead because of the curse lifting.
Dumbledore is so sassy even in the face of death. Narrating Draco’s rubbish assassination attempts.
Sophie: Maybe a binding spell would have been hard to convey on film?
Jenny: Totally, you’re right.
Sophie: Tom Felton is right good in this scene.
Jenny: YES. I’ve decided I fancy him.
Sophie: #Youhadonejob Draco. ‘Years ago I knew a boy who made all the wrong choices.’ Shiver.
Jenny: Dumbledore’s compassion is lovely, but it’s also kind of ‘Why didn’t you stop him? Because he nearly took out loads of students as collateral damage. Why is Draco more important than Katie and Ron?’
Sophie:I love how human Draco is here.
Jenny: Sorry, picking holes rather than enjoying. I so agree.
Oh, that thrill of hope when Snape appears. MAYBE IT’LL BE OK.
Sophie: Too much monologuing going on by the baddies here.
SNAPE.
Jenny: I like that it’s in the background, though. Harry’s not really listening.
Oh, you can see it on Alan Rickman’s face. The feelings.
Sophie: Shiver.
Jenny:SO GOOD. SO BEAUTIFUL
It’s really sudden. I’d forgotten.
Sophie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Jenny: Sob forever.
Sophie: Fly, you fools
Jenny: I remember not crying because I was so full of Snape Rage.
Oh, Frodo weeping on the mountainside.
I might cry now.
Sophie: Bellatrix breaking crockery for no damn reason. Which is just rude.
Jenny: They’ve missed out all the kids fighting the death eaters and using the Felix potion, which I liked in the book. Or have I made that up? Is that Deathly Hallows?
Sophie: I guess they had to save the Battle of Hogwarts til the final film? No, there’s a battle in HBP. The book, I mean.
Jenny: You’re right, obv. I just love all the heroic symbolism. Harry is v alone in this film, whereas in the book it’s Team Potter.
Sophie: I, THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE
Jenny: As you said in your review, OMG IT’S SNAPE, WHY WERE WE SURPRISED? But of course we were.
Sophie: Again, nothing really explained in the film. Why Prince? Nope. Nada.
Jenny: I’m waiting to see Maggie Smith weeping so I can weep too.
Sophie:Cathartic.
Jenny:YES. Where is my Eileen Prince deleted scene?
Sophie: Oh, it’s like Mufasa. This is too much.
Jenny: 😦 DanRad is pretty convincing here. Although Ginny. He never even properly goes out with her in the films.
THE MUSIC. I am shivering. *raises wand*
Sophie: Hermione is doing her facial expression again.
(sorry) *raises wand*
Jenny: Why has Hagrid got a wand? (sorry also)
Sophie: (HE STOLE IT?)
Jenny: Oh, I LOVE the Dark Mark being replaced with light.
(I mean, he was exonerated, but he never took his exams so…. that’s never really cleared up).
The Great Hall all broken is kind of beautiful. They fix it only for Snape to break the window again next year.
DAMMIT, SEVERUS. CALL THE WINDOW MAN AGAIN.
Sophie:How are they going to eat now that Bellatrix broke all the crockery?
Paper plates? What is this? Some kind of muggle picnic?
Jenny:……..magic?
Sophie: Oh yeah.
Jenny: Ooh look, it’s the Elder Wnad. Yes, Wnad.
Sophie: Ooooooh.
Jenny: MAGGIE SMITH. Not enough Maggie Smith in this film. Except when she’s sassing Ron.
Sophie:Never enough Maggie Smith.
Jenny: Look at that view. This is so rushed, again.
Sophie: And again we have HARRY HERMIONE.
Jenny: DRACO NOT SO EVIL, SNAPE TOTES EVIL, LOCKET FAKE, HOGWARTS PRETTY.
Yes, why is Ron just lurking?!?
Sophie:Where the heck is Ron?
Jenny: Having a sit down.
Sophie: Ron is only needed for comic relief, not actual important plot or emotional moments.
Jenny: He’s realised nobody wants his input on Brain Stuff. Ironically, since he’s got brain scars from the Dept of Mysteries.
Sophie: Ha. RAB. WHO COULD IT BE? WHO HAS BEEN MENTIONED IN THIS FILM WHOSE INITIALS MIGHT BE RAB???
Jenny: I had no idea originally, so I am really dim.
Sophie: Ron is not even part of this conversation. It’s so rude. They’re talking about him, not to him. He’s like their pet dog.
Jenny: ‘You need me. I mean us. Me and Ron. I’m going to marry him. Probably.’
Sophie:Woof woof.
Jenny: It’s so WEIRD.
Sophie:Walkies, Ron.
Jenny: Why isn’t he just standing with them?
Sophie:Horcrux walkies.
Jenny:Maybe he’s protesting at not having any lines.
Sophie: SEAGULL. No wait it’s a Phoenix.
Jenny: WELL. That was a film.
Sophie:That it was.
Jenny: I do like the credits.
Sophie: So the last shot is literally Ron lurking awkwardly in the background. Telling.
Jenny: POOR RON. I like him a lot more having seen what happens when he’s marginalised. What do we think overall?
Sophie: Um yes nice credits. Kind of patchy and awkward and ropey with some really great moments?
Jenny: Agreed. A very ~sad~ movie, but not necessarily a great one.
Sophie: I’ve always felt, about the films, that I only really enjoy them when they remind me of what’s great about the books.
Jenny: Absolutely. I’m totally with you on finding many aspects of the films super annoying.
Sophie: Like, they don’t actually create much of their own unique enjoyment.
Unique enjoyment.
Jenny:Yeah. Like how I felt about The Hobbit movies. I enjoy being in the world and looking around and seeing the characters interact, but ultimately it’s a bit dissatisfying.
Sophie: Ha, Timothy Spall is in the credits. And he was onscreen for like a second.
Jenny: I have enjoyed watching ‘with’ you, though.
Sophie: Always ❤
Jenny: ALWAYS <£
Yeah. Pound sign.
Sophie: <£
Snape loved Lily more than money? Less than money? Not sure. We’ll never know. Because she’s dead.
Jenny: Harry Potter and the Totally Not A Mystery In Any Way, But We’re Banking on Young Readers Being Dim.
If you made it down this far, congratulations! Look out for your special Bearface reward in the post.
